Most of us want to be loved by and feel loving towards the people who are important to us. When we think we’re not loved, we feel unhappy. When we feel unhappy, we often either stay stuck in the unhappiness or try hard to change things so that we can feel happy again.
When someone is unhappy in a relationship, often what happens is observing what’s “wrong” with the other person and thinking: “If only he/she would change in a certain way, then I’d be happier.”
When another person does not change in the ways that we want, it can result in feeling perpetually angry and resentful.
Large doses of these emotions harm us and prevent us from feeling our loving. The path back to happiness starts by releasing and resolving these toxic emotions so that love can be restored.
Leanne’s Story: Releasing a Lifetime of Anger and Resentment
Let me tell you what happened for Leanne, an accomplished and highly creative dancer, performer, and teacher.
Leanne came to me feeling very tired. Tired of feeling angry, resentful and unhappy for many years.
She said: “My anger is killing me.” And she wanted to find a way to release it so that she could feel better.
Even though Leanne had spent thousands of dollars over many years on different therapies for this problem, she had never allowed herself to invest enough to be thorough and to complete the inner work that would bring her the inner peace that she longed for. And she was frustrated that she still felt so angry.
After a few sessions in which Leanne successfully released anger towards some family members, she was ready to tackle “the big one.”
The Elephant in the Room: Leanne’s Relationship with Her Husband
The “big one” was Leanne’s relationship with her husband Michael. She’d been feeling unhappy in this relationship for many years, and still could not decide whether to leave or stay in the marriage.
Leave or stay? Many of her girlfriends had been urging her to leave, and while she herself felt a strong urge to end her marriage, something inside her was holding back.
She felt like she was “in the middle” – with her friends pulling her in one direction, and her connection with her husband, children, and family pulling her in the other – and this was stopping her from making a clear choice.
So, we used EFT tapping and somatic processing to release the energy of this inner tug-of-war. When this was complete, Leanne clearly and calmly stated her choice: stay, for now. In addition, she was willing to wait 5 more months before re-evaluating the situation. Until then, she would continue her inner work.
As we continued to work on her relationship issues, she acknowledged that Michael was supportive in many ways. He was generous and financially supportive. He was a “doer” – he did stuff that needed to be done on a timely basis. He supported Leanne when she wanted to do something that was important to her.
But Leanne wanted more than this. She wanted Michael to be her “knight in shining armor” who would fulfill all her dreams. She wanted him to initiate romantic outings, to surprise her, to show her lots of affection. But in all the years they’d been married, Michael had rarely done these things.
In essence, she wanted her husband to change. And, she had been trying really hard to make that happen. They went for couples counselling, they were working through a self-help book together – but nothing seemed to be helping because, in Leanne’s eyes, Michael wasn’t changing.
The Pièce de Résistance
As Leanne arrived at my office for her third session of work on this relationship, she announced that she was so tired of trying to get Michael to change, and tired of feeling so angry.
Leanne took half an hour naming all the things that she felt angry about. All her resentments, frustrations, and disappointments.
Then, in this single breakthrough session, using an advanced EFT tapping technique, Leanne let go of all the accumulated anger and resentment towards her husband.
After tapping, she could no longer feel any anger or resentment towards Michael, even though I encouraged her to “try hard” to get the anger back.
Then, Leanne Fell in Love with Michael Again
About a week after this session, Leanne emailed me and said: “I’m feeling less defensive towards Michael these last few days – softer, even loving, which I have not felt for almost a year. We shared a good laugh this morning about all my stuff lying around in the basement, when usually I would get defensive. I feel happy and more relaxed. I finally feel like staying.”
Another week later, Leanne wrote again: "Last year I was consumed with thoughts of leaving but still knew I loved Michael. Later in the year I seemed kind of dead/empty and I had given up trying. Now I see things so differently and I wonder how many other couples split because they gave up but didn't clear the hate."
"I have fallen in love with Michael again."
These are some of the changes that Leanne is noticing, all within one month after her EFT session:
- She's no longer "keeping score" of Michael's faults, which has freed up a lot of daily energy for her.
- She's laughing at little things that she used to fight about.
- She's enjoying more physical intimacy with her husband than she has had in many years.
And, she's made a clear choice to stay, from her heart. "Leaving is no longer an option," says Leanne.
The Magic in Letting Go of Resentments
When you let go of anger and resentment, magic happens.
- You feel lighter, like a load has lifted, and you have more energy.
- You’re no longer reactive to the person(s) who you resented, even though they have not changed.
- You feel closer, more accepting and more loving toward the other person.
Very frequently, the other person “picks up” on this new vibration, and starts shifting their attitudes and behavior in a positive way.
The beauty is that all this happens without effort, without trying – thanks to the rapid and lasting energy shifts that come from EFT tapping.
I welcome comments! Please leave your comments below.
And, if you're inspired by this story, are longing for more harmony in your relationships, and curious about what changes are possible for you, I invite you to explore the possibility of working together. Simply fill out the form at the bottom of the Work With Me - Personal Sessions page, and I'll contact you to set up a time for a phone conversation.